Parenting Expert Janet Lansbury Addresses the Complex Intersection of Authenticity, Boundaries, and Emotional Triggers in Toddler Care
In a recent installment of her parenting podcast Unruffled, renowned infant and toddler specialist Janet Lansbury tackled a deeply relatable dilemma for modern parents: how to remain authentic with young children when that authenticity feels harsh, rejecting, or downright mean. Responding to an email from a mother struggling with her own emotional triggers, Lansbury explored the delicate balance between honoring a parent’s genuine feelings of annoyance and respecting a young child’s emotional vulnerability.
The discussion centers around a common scenario familiar to many households with toddlers. A mother of two—a three-year-old boy and a nine-month-old infant—wrote to Lansbury seeking guidance after working extensively with a therapist to identify and process her own emotions rather than suppressing them. Having grown up in an environment where expressing feelings was discouraged, this parent has made a conscious effort to acknowledge her internal states. However, she expressed deep concern that displaying strong emotions, particularly anger and annoyance, might be damaging to her children.
In her letter, the mother described a typical household friction point. Her three-year-old son frequently engages in impulsive behaviors, such as throwing items around a room she has just meticulously tidied, not out of malice, but seemingly for stimulation or amusement. When this happens, the mother finds herself reacting with standard boundary-setting language, explaining why the behavior is unacceptable and removing the items.
The true conflict arises shortly afterward. The toddler, having seemingly moved past the incident without lingering distress, often approaches his mother asking for a physical connection, such as a hug on the couch. Yet, the mother frequently finds herself still harboring residual annoyance from the disruption, making the prospect of offering physical affection feel deeply inauthentic. She grappled with whether it is appropriate to decline the hug and explain that she is still grumpy, or if forcing the physical contact violates the principles of bodily autonomy and emotional honesty.
Lansbury acknowledged the profound complexity of the mother’s dilemma, noting that the desire to maintain congruence between internal feelings and external actions is a cornerstone of building a healthy, authentic relationship with a child. However, Lansbury offered a multi-layered perspective designed to help parents reframe both their own reactions and the root causes behind a toddler’s disruptive behavior.
Addressing the mother’s perception that her son acts out "just for fun," Lansbury suggested a shift in perspective. Young children, she emphasized, possess a high degree of emotional awareness and are acutely sensitive to parental moods, often picking up on tension even before verbal communication occurs. According to Lansbury, a child does not purposefully set out to make a parent’s day harder for pure entertainment. Instead, actions like throwing recently tidied objects are often impulsive expressions of underlying stress, vulnerability, or a deeper need for connection.
This underlying stress, Lansbury noted, is frequently tied to major life transitions, such as the arrival and developmental milestones of a younger sibling. As a nine-month-old infant becomes increasingly mobile and demanding of parental time and energy, an older sibling often experiences unconscious anxiety and a sense of displacement. When toddlers feel unsettled or overwhelmed, they may inadvertently resort to behaviors that trigger a reaction, effectively signaling a need for reassurance and a more secure emotional environment.
Rather than viewing the child’s behavior as an intentional provocation or seeing her own annoyance as an irreparable failure, Lansbury encouraged parents to recognize these moments as opportunities for self-reflection and grounded leadership. She pointed out that while parents certainly have the right to decline physical affection when they are feeling frustrated or emotionally unavailable, they do not necessarily need to burden a young child with an elaborate explanation of their adult emotional state.
Unloading adult emotional baggage onto a three-year-old, Lansbury explained, can inadvertently heighten the child’s anxiety. When a toddler senses that a parent is deeply grumpy or resentful because of their actions, it triggers a primal fear of rejection and loss of parental regard. To a young child, the parent is the center of their world, and perceived disapproval can feel terrifying. Therefore, offering an overly detailed explanation of why a hug is being withheld can exacerbate the child’s insecurity, potentially leading to a repeating cycle of impulsive behavior.
Instead, Lansbury recommended a simpler, more measured approach to boundary-setting. If a parent truly does not feel like offering a hug in a given moment, they can establish a clear and loving boundary without heavy emotional justification. A simple statement—such as letting the child know that they are loved, that a hug isn’t available right at that moment, but that affection will happen later—maintains honesty while providing the emotional safety the child needs. This approach preserves the parent’s authenticity without crossing into punitive over-explaining.
Furthermore, Lansbury emphasized that emotional authenticity does not require parents to broadcast every fleeting feeling of annoyance. True authenticity in parenting means ensuring that outsides match insides—avoiding fake, theatrical enthusiasm when one is genuinely frustrated—while still exercising the emotional maturity to rise above minor daily irritations. By understanding the vulnerability driving a child’s actions, parents can often dissolve their own annoyance, replacing irritation with empathy and a calmer, more confident demeanor.
The discussion highlights the ongoing challenges faced by caregivers striving to break generational cycles of emotional suppression while navigating the rigorous demands of early childhood development. By validating the mother’s self-awareness and her commitment to personal growth, Lansbury underscored the profound value of therapeutic work and introspection in modern parenting.
Ultimately, Lansbury’s guidance offers a reassuring message to parents grappling with the intersection of boundaries and affection: it is entirely acceptable to prioritize emotional honesty and decline physical contact when feeling depleted, provided it is done with gentle clarity rather than blame. Through increased understanding of a child’s perspective and a commitment to personal grace, parents can cultivate relationships rooted in genuine connection, mutual respect, and emotional safety.
