Navigating the Rocky Transition: Why Toddler Tears in Childcare Mean a Child Is Doing Her Job
Parenting and early childhood educator Janet Lansbury recently addressed a common yet widely misunderstood challenge in child development: the often difficult and emotional transition young children experience when entering a new childcare setting. In a recent episode of her popular parenting podcast, Unruffled, Lansbury responded to a detailed inquiry from a stay-at-home mother who recently launched a small in-home learning group. While the mother’s venture has generally been a success, she found herself drained, overwhelmed, and baffled by the behavior of a two-and-a-half-year-old girl attending the group twice a week.
According to the letter, the young girl cries for much of her time in the program, flits rapidly from one activity to another without settling, and repeatedly seeks reassurance by asking the caregiver, "Do you like me?" The caregiver, who has no formal early childhood education background outside of applying Lansbury’s philosophies to raise her own two toddlers, reported that the constant emotional distress was taking a heavy toll on her own nervous system. Feeling like she needed to fix the situation, the caregiver even considered suggesting to the child’s parents that the girl might be happier elsewhere or in a larger preschool environment.
However, Lansbury offered a different perspective on the situation. Rather than viewing the girl’s tears and questions as a sign of failure or an immediate cue to remove her from the program, Lansbury explained that the child is simply doing her job—working through a natural, healthy, and necessary adjustment period.
Understanding the Real Meaning Behind the Tears
Lansbury noted that while the caregiver’s instinct to fix the child’s feelings is entirely natural and driven by empathy, attempting to eradicate the discomfort can inadvertently signal to the child that her normal emotional processing is unacceptable or unsafe. Separation from parents and home, coupled with the introduction of a novel environment, represents a massive adjustment for any toddler. Because young children lack the developmental capacity to fully understand or articulate their complex needs, this stress frequently manifests as crying, restlessness, and behavioral volatility.
Addressing the girl’s frequent shifting between activities, Lansbury compared the behavior to a natural settling process. Just as an animal might pace or circle before finding a comfortable place to rest, toddlers often need to flit around a room, release tension through crying, and experience physical and emotional discomfort on their own timeline before they can truly settle into a new environment.
Furthermore, Lansbury offered a counterintuitive recommendation regarding the frequency of attendance. While many adults naturally assume that reducing a child’s time in a stressful environment will ease their burden, attending a program only two days a week can actually prolong the transition. With several days off in between, the environment can feel entirely brand-new to a two-and-a-half-year-old every time she arrives, making it exceedingly difficult to build genuine comfort, predict routines, and establish a secondary attachment figure. Increasing consistency, provided everyone is comfortable with the arrangement, often helps children feel more securely rooted in the setting much faster.
Decoding Requests for Validation
A particularly puzzling element of the letter was the toddler’s persistent questioning: "Do you like me?" The caregiver expressed surprise that a child of only two-and-a-half would even possess the conceptual framework to worry about whether someone likes her, especially since she has consistently treated the girl with warmth and affection.
Lansbury suggested that this behavior is likely not indicative of a deep-seated, adult-like insecurity or a genuine lack of validation. Instead, young children are remarkably perceptive when it comes to sensing adult vulnerabilities and areas of emotional sensitivity. If a statement or a particular type of interaction causes an adult to pause, feel taken aback, or experience a ripple of discomfort, children frequently latch onto that specific interaction. They may repeatedly probe at that button—not out of a conscious desire to test or manipulate, but as a way to explore and make sense of the emotional dynamic they have detected.
To handle this, Lansbury advised the caregiver to respond not with worry or annoyance, but with calm, open-ended reassurance. A simple, consistent acknowledgment—such as confirming that she is indeed loved and valued, no matter how many times the question is repeated—helps defuse the tension. By meeting the question with emotional steadiness rather than intimidation or frustration, the caregiver transforms the interaction into a safe space for the child to explore.
Assessing the Options for Childcare and Caregiver Well-Being
While Lansbury strongly encouraged the caregiver to consider adopting a mindset of non-intervention and trust toward the child’s adjustment process, she also emphasized that the adult’s comfort and emotional well-being matter significantly. Operating an in-home learning group with up to five toddlers is a demanding endeavor, and if the situation ultimately proves too draining, the caregiver has every right to step back and reevaluate.
However, Lansbury cautioned against the assumption that the child would automatically thrive in a larger preschool environment. For a two-and-a-half-year-old struggling with transitions, a large preschool setting can often feel far more overwhelming, leaving the child with fewer opportunities to safely express vulnerability and vent her frustrations. A small, intimate environment where a child feels secure enough to fall apart is often the healthiest place for emotional processing to occur.
Ultimately, Lansbury praised the dedication, kindness, and thoughtful approach of the in-home caregiver, noting that navigating the initial rockiness of childhood transitions is a fundamental part of the caregiving journey. By shifting the perspective to view a child’s emotional turbulence as a healthy part of adaptation—and by maintaining personal emotional boundaries—adults can successfully guide young children through their earliest developmental milestones.
