Why a Toddler’s Rocky Childcare Transition Means She Is Simply Doing Her Job
For many parents and early childhood educators, entering a new childcare environment can be an emotional trial-and-error process. While adults frequently view tears and resistance as signs that a placement is failing, renowned parenting expert and author Janet Lansbury suggests that a difficult adjustment period often indicates a child is doing precisely what they are supposed to do to feel secure.
In a recent episode of her Unruffled podcast, Lansbury addressed a challenging scenario submitted by a stay-at-home mother who recently launched a small in-home learning group. Operating Monday through Thursday, the provider hosts one to three children alongside her own two toddlers, who recently turned three and two. While the group has largely been a rewarding venture, one particular participant—a two-and-a-half-year-old girl attending two days a week—has been struggling deeply with the transition, prompting widespread reflection on how caregivers interpret toddler behavior.
The childcare provider, who has no formal early childhood background but relies heavily on Lansbury’s philosophies, described a draining dynamic. The young girl cries through much of her eight-hour day, flits restlessly from one activity to another within seconds, and repeatedly seeks emotional reassurance by asking, “Do you like me?” Despite the provider’s genuine affection and consistent kindness toward the child, the constant distress has begun taking a heavy toll on the provider’s own nervous system, leaving her feeling overwhelmed and contemplating whether the girl might be happier elsewhere or back at home.
The situation highlights a common phenomenon in early childhood education: the intense pressure caregivers feel to immediately "fix" children’s distress. Lansbury notes that while this urge is entirely natural and stems from a place of deep empathy, reacting with worry or attempting to eliminate negative emotions can inadvertently hinder a child’s natural adaptation process.
Reflecting on the nature of early childhood transitions, Lansbury emphasizes that leaving home and familiar surroundings to spend extended hours in a new environment is a massive undertaking for any toddler. Because young children lack the advanced cognitive ability to fully understand and articulate their complex needs, these major adjustments frequently manifest as behavioral distress, frequent crying, and restlessness. While some children possess temperaments that handle environmental shifts with relative ease, nearly all young children experience some degree of turbulent adjustment.
Interestingly, Lansbury offers a counterintuitive perspective on the frequency of the girl’s attendance. While conventional wisdom might suggest that reducing a struggling child’s hours—such as limiting attendance to just two days a week—would ease their burden, Lansbury argues the opposite. For a two-and-a-half-year-old, two days a week is often insufficient time to build lasting familiarity. With long gaps between sessions, the environment can feel like a brand-new, unpredictable situation every time the child arrives. Increasing attendance might actually help the child establish a routine and feel more deeply rooted in the setting, though such a change would require the agreement of both the provider and the child’s parents.
Addressing the girl’s frequent questioning—asking repeatedly if the provider likes her—Lansbury provides critical context about toddler psychology. While such a targeted search for validation might seem precociously complex for a two-and-a-half-year-old, Lansbury suggests it does not stem from a genuine, deep-seated emotional deficit. Instead, children often latch onto specific phrases or themes that they sense register a reaction from the adults around them. When an adult feels momentarily thrown off balance, worried, or slightly uncomfortable, perceptive toddlers frequently pick up on that subtle vulnerability and return to it repeatedly as a way of exploring relational boundaries.
Rather than viewing the question as proof of underlying insecurity or perceived rejection, Lansbury encourages caregivers to respond with calm, steady, and lighthearted validation. By meeting the inquiry with an unruffled attitude—such as offering a simple, cheerful reminder that she is loved and welcome—the adult removes the emotional charge from the interaction. Once the caregiver stops feeling intimidated or anxious about the questioning, the child typically loses interest in probing that particular pressure point.
The provider’s observation of the child rapidly cycling through activities is similarly interpreted as a natural stress-release mechanism. Just as an animal circles repeatedly before settling down to rest, children often need space to flit, release tension, and express their discomfort before they can truly settle into an activity on their own internal timeline. Trying to artificially manage or cater to every fleeting impulse can disrupt this natural self-regulation process.
Lansbury also touches on the provider’s broader contemplation of ending the arrangement or suggesting a larger preschool setting. Lansbury cautions against recommending a larger group environment for a child already struggling with transitions, noting that smaller, intimate settings offer a safe space for children to express their frustrations and vent their emotions freely. A child who feels secure enough with a secondary caregiver to be entirely "a mess" is often demonstrating a deep, albeit turbulent, sense of trust.
Ultimately, Lansbury emphasizes that the core challenge in these scenarios is often the adult’s own comfort level rather than the child’s capability. By putting the child’s healthy, natural feelings into proper perspective, caregivers can step off the emotional rollercoaster of trying to fix the unfixable. Trusting a child to navigate their own rocky transition allows the adult to provide a truly stable, anchored presence—ultimately offering the most effective support a young child can receive during their early years of growth and discovery.
