Breaking the Cycle: Janet Lansbury Advises Mothers on Overcoming Harsh Upbringings to Lead with Confidence
For many parents, the journey of raising young children brings an unexpected and painful mirror. In an open and deeply vulnerable letter shared on her parenting podcast Unruffled, a mother recently opened up about a heavy emotional burden: the fear that she is actively repeating the negative, authoritarian patterns that defined her own childhood, and the crushing anxiety that it might already be too late to change.
Reflecting on her past, the mother described a household marked by guilt trips, the silent treatment, physical punishment, and what she characterizes as psychological abuse at the hands of her mother, while her father remained emotionally and physically withdrawn. Entering motherhood in her mid-30s with a high-anxiety disposition and perfectionist tendencies, she found herself trapped in quick, reactive emotional responses—yelling, lecturing, and adopting harsh tones when her young children, ages five and a half and three and a half, pushed back against household rules. Despite having access to modern parenting resources and wishing to lead with patience and reasoning, she admitted feeling defeated, lamenting that the harder she tried to alter her behavior, the worse the outcomes seemed to be.
The mother’s dilemma also extended into broader family dynamics, including conflicts over screen time introduced by her in-laws during a period when she worked full-time, alongside a challenging domestic environment where her husband frequently criticized her parenting choices upon returning home. Faced with these compounding pressures, she reached out for guidance, posing a question shared by countless parents striving to break generational cycles: How can one overcome deeply ingrained instincts rooted in a harsh upbringing to become a better mother, and has lasting damage already been done?
Addressing the mother’s plea, renowned parenting expert and author Janet Lansbury offered a message rooted in reassurance, emotional clarity, and the fundamental psychology of boundaries. Lansbury, whose new book Baby Person focuses on the emotional experience of caregivers, emphasized first and foremost that it is definitively not too late to shift the trajectory of a parent-child relationship, especially when children are still young. Relationships, she noted, are always in motion, capable of growth and repair at any stage.
Rather than focusing on unattainable perfection, Lansbury directed the mother’s attention toward a core emotional block: the comfort and perceived right to establish boundaries. Drawing on her own experiences with perfectionism and the internal pressure to meet rigorous self-imposed checklists to feel worthy, Lansbury explained that individuals who endure harsh, authoritarian upbringings often internalize the dangerous message that they have no right to make demands or assert their own needs without risking rejection. Consequently, when these individuals become parents, setting a firm limit can feel terrifying and unnatural.
Lansbury pointed out that behaviors like lecturing, reasoning excessively with young children, using harsh tones, and losing one’s temper are classic symptoms of being on the "back foot." When parents feel fundamentally uncomfortable standing up for their own authority, they often slip into a defensive posture, attempting to talk children into agreeing with them rather than confidently holding a line. True boundary-setting, Lansbury explained, does not require a child’s enthusiastic agreement or approval; it simply requires a calm, centered leader who can state a decision and safely hold space for the child’s inevitable frustration and disappointment.
Regarding the specific daily friction around digital devices, Lansbury suggested shifting away from endless negotiation or partial restrictions. When parents establish clarity—such as taking a definitive break from screens and planning alternative activities in advance—children are ultimately freed from the exhausting burden of trying to control an addictive stimulus. While the transition may involve initial resistance, tears, and testing behaviors, Lansbury stressed that children ultimately crave the steady leadership of a parent who is unafraid to weather their emotional storms with empathy and strength.
Beyond the immediate parent-child dynamic, Lansbury also touched upon the surrounding complexities mentioned in the mother’s letter, including the tension involving her husband. While acknowledging that she is not a relationship counselor, Lansbury noted that asserting healthy boundaries applies to adult relationships just as much as parenting. Communicating calmly when criticism crosses a line not only protects the mother’s well-being but also models invaluable self-respect for her daughters observing the interaction.
Ultimately, Lansbury encouraged the mother—and any listener struggling with the ghosts of a difficult past—to release the cycle of self-punishment and perfectionism. By recognizing that she is worthy of boundaries and shifting away from a defensive stance, a parent can begin to lead with the confidence, clarity, and calm certainty that children truly need to thrive.
