{"id":1591,"date":"2026-11-08T12:45:14","date_gmt":"2026-11-08T12:45:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/?p=1591"},"modified":"2026-11-08T12:45:14","modified_gmt":"2026-11-08T12:45:14","slug":"janet-lansbury-addresses-the-common-dilemma-of-the-strong-willed-publicly-shy-child-in-new-podcast-episode","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/?p=1591","title":{"rendered":"Janet Lansbury Addresses the Common Dilemma of the "Strong-Willed, Publicly Shy" Child in New Podcast Episode"},"content":{"rendered":"

Parenting expert and author Janet Lansbury is turning her attention to a paradox familiar to many families: the child who rules the roost with a booming voice and unshakeable opinions at home, yet seemingly transforms into a different person the moment they step into the outside world. In a recent episode of her widely followed Unruffled<\/em> podcast, Lansbury dissected a parent\u2019s letter concerning a three-and-a-half-year-old girl who is vibrant and talkative in private, but paralyzed by quietness and hesitation in social settings, ranging from playdates with familiar cousins to weekly gymnastics classes. <\/p>\n

The dilemma touches on a broader anxiety many parents face\u2014particularly those who remember experiencing shyness themselves\u2014as they watch their children approach milestones like preschool. However, Lansbury offers a counterintuitive perspective that reframes the behavior entirely. Rather than viewing the child as painfully shy, fearful, or broken, she suggests that these young children are simply strong-willed individuals who have gotten stuck in a powerful psychological position of observation, exacerbated by well-meaning adult interventions.<\/p>\n

The Paradox of the Publicly Reserved Child<\/h2>\n

The core issue was brought forward by a mother who described her three-and-a-half-year-old daughter as fun, loud, busy, smart, and opinionated within the comfort of her home. Yet, to anyone outside of her immediate household\u2014including grandparents, close cousins, and peers she has known for a long time\u2014the child appears painfully shy. According to the mother, relatives are often confused by her lack of response when greeted enthusiastically. <\/p>\n

This dichotomy becomes particularly pronounced during the child’s weekly gymnastics classes. The little girl eagerly anticipates the class, participates enthusiastically in initial warm-ups and early rotations like the bars, but abruptly freezes when it is time to transition to the next event, such as the balance beam. Despite knowing the coaches well and being encouraged gently with offers of held hands, the child sits silently, sometimes shaking her head or refusing to budge until the class concludes. When asked afterward if she enjoys gymnastics and wants to continue, her response is an unhesitating "yes."<\/p>\n

With preschool looming on the horizon, the mother expressed profound nervousness about how her daughter will navigate an environment where parental intervention is not readily available. Her ultimate wish echoes that of many caregivers: she wants her daughter to feel confident, happy, and proud of who she is, without feeling the need to constantly fix or force an outgoing personality.<\/p>\n

Redefining "Shyness" as Alpha Behavior<\/h2>\n

Drawing from years of experience facilitating parent-toddler classes, Lansbury reassured listeners that this behavioral split is far more common than many realize. She challenges the traditional label of shyness, opting instead to view these children through the lens of positive, strong-willed "alpha behavior." <\/p>\n

Lansbury describes these children as "big, bright lights that are very powerful." With that strength comes a set of traits that include being opinionated, loud, and intense. When placed in social environments, these children are not necessarily operating from a place of fear or social anxiety. Instead, they are often holding onto a specific vantage point: they want to enter a situation already knowing how it works and executing it perfectly, rather than risking vulnerability by making a mistake or appearing less than competent in front of others.<\/p>\n

According to Lansbury, these children get temporarily stuck in a power position. It is an internal standoff where they refuse to yield to the expectations or coaxing of others, even when those expectations come from their most trusted caregivers. The child resolves to stand back, observe, and protect her sense of autonomy.<\/p>\n

\"Painfully<\/figure>\n

The Counterproductive Nature of Parental Intervention<\/h2>\n

A significant portion of Lansbury\u2019s analysis focuses on how well-intentioned reactions from parents and instructors can inadvertently reinforce the behavior. When coaches urge the child to take her turn, offer her a hand, or when parents step into the gym to rescue or coax them, the child feels the heavy weight of expectation. <\/p>\n

This external pressure, Lansbury explains, creates a dynamic where the child feels even more compelled to hold her ground. The more adults try to draw them out, the more entrenched the children become in their defensive, observant stance. The child senses the underlying worry and trepidation of the parent, which inadvertently validates the idea that something is wrong with how they are behaving.<\/p>\n

Rather than viewing the child’s frozen demeanor as a sign of genuine fear, Lansbury interprets it as an intelligent, albeit stubborn, preservation of control. The child is thinking through transitions carefully, weighing her options, and deciding not to comply with demands to perform on someone else’s timeline.<\/p>\n

Shifting Perspective to Support Social Confidence<\/h2>\n

To help these children truly thrive, Lansbury advises a fundamental shift in perspective. Parents must first let go of their own worry, anxiety, and the compulsion to fix what they perceive as a social deficit. By dropping the internal "cloud of worry," parents send a powerful, non-verbal message of trust in their child’s natural instincts and developmental process.<\/p>\n

Lansbury recommends stepping back entirely from intervention during social gatherings and structured classes. For interactions with cousins, parents should announce the visit with enthusiasm but refrain from orchestrating play or attempting to force the child to join group activities. If the child chooses to shadow the adults or sit quietly nearby, parents should accept that choice warmly without trying to entertain them or bridge the social gap on their behalf.<\/p>\n

In settings like gymnastics or upcoming preschool environments, Lansbury suggests that parents hold their ground physically and emotionally. If a child retreats to a parent’s side and asks for a hand, the response should be a calm boundary coupled with acceptance: acknowledging the child’s desire for comfort while affirming that the parent is happy to stay put right where they are. This transforms the parent’s presence into a truly secure base rather than a springboard for rescue.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, Lansbury emphasizes that true confidence cannot be forced through coaching or encouragement to be more outgoing. It grows when children feel completely accepted for who they are in the moment\u2014whether they choose to leap into the center of the activity or sit quietly at the sidelines, taking their time to process the world on their own terms.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Parenting expert and author Janet Lansbury is turning her attention to a paradox familiar to many families: the child who rules the roost with a booming voice and unshakeable opinions at home, yet seemingly transforms into a different person the moment they step into the outside world. In a recent episode of her widely followed […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1590,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[363],"tags":[1207,33,367,753,1229,1238,364,758,759,1221,365,1953,366,552,1952],"class_list":["post-1591","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gentle-positive-parenting","tag-addresses","tag-child","tag-child-development","tag-common","tag-dilemma","tag-episode","tag-gentle-parenting","tag-janet","tag-lansbury","tag-podcast","tag-positive-discipline","tag-publicly","tag-respectful-parenting","tag-strong","tag-willed"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1591","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1591"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1591\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1590"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1591"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1591"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spiritualparent.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1591"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}